Experimenting
by xArcherx
Summary: It wasn't suicide. No, absolutely not. This was just experimenting. Then why did her heart thump so guiltily? SxS one-shot.


**Laaaaaaaaaaaaa! My first CCS one-shot! Wonder how this one's gonna turn out to be. This was just a random idea that I displayed as a fanfic. I really hope you enjoy it though. Just feel free to tell me what you think about it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own CCS. Wouldn't manage it very well if I did.**

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**Experimenting**

She took a tiny step toward the parapet of the building. She was getting closer to the edge. Wasn't that what she had wanted? Hadn't she wanted to know what it would be like to jump from this high a building? It wasn't suicide. No, absolutely not. This was just experimenting. Then why did her heart thump so guiltily?

If Albert Einstein had received a shock while doing an experiment in physics and had died, would people have called it suicide? _Stop being cheesy_. Sakura scolded herself. Another step had her peeping down from the terrace. She gulped; it was much too high. Almost about seventy feet. But then, a cool breeze hit her face, ruffling her hair and tickling her ears.

Sakura smiled beatifically. This was bliss. How could she have possibly feared the wind? She loved it. She loved the way it made her feel light, loved the way it calmed her, loved the way it caressed her. Without a further thought, she stepped onto the parapet with her eyes closed and her smile still in place. She tuned out the sound of the particularly large car zooming past the street below.

She spread her hands as wide as they would go. It was pointless to step back now. If she stepped away now, she would never have the courage to come up here again. And besides, no one knew she was up here, not even Tomoyo-chan...

Another twinge of guilt made her open her eyes. She regained her senses in an unusually slow moment. The sound of the birds chirping, the cloudy white of the sky that she could see, the smell of the wet mud, the tiny drop of rain that fell at her lips, the feel of the still gentle breeze all hit her a moment too late that she was gasping for breath while she swayed slightly at the sudden release.

She tried to calm herself, still hesitant to step back to the ground. Her heart was playing tricks on her. And her effort to calm it wasn't really working; it was still beating a bit too loudly that Sakura was afraid someone would hear it and realise what she was doing right now. Really, what could possibly go wrong?

_I could die._ Her conscience whispered. It was true; of course, her conscience always said the truth.

"But if that's the case," she said cheerfully, in another attempt to slow down her heart. "then, I wouldn't have to meet the consequences of this action at all!"

Her statement sounded pathetic even to herself. She sighed; she really couldn't understand why she wanted to do this in the first place. But she just had to...her heart was now thumping wistfully...the wind was calling out to her; she had to go...

But she just couldn't bring herself to jump. Was it because she was afraid she might never see her loved ones again? Was it because she didn't bid them goodbye properly? Or was it because she found this experiment highly dangerous and extremely stupid? The questions ran through her mind so quickly that her head was in a whirl. She shook it vigorously, hoping that that would scatter all her thoughts away. Of course, that didn't work.

Far away, she could hear a piano. It was a piece she had heard when she had been very young; Touya used to play it to her, saying that their Mother had always loved this particular piece. It was her favourite. And as she listened to it now, Sakura couldn't help the tears from running down her cheeks. She was being stupid, she knew. She was jumping from a seventy-feet high building – of course she was going to be badly hurt, if not dead.

But then...she didn't care; she didn't care about being hurt. Hadn't she been hurt from the time she had been born? Her mother had died when she had been only months old and as she had grown up, her father couldn't help but admit how much she looked like Nadeshiko. But that wasn't what hurt Sakura – it was those eyes of his...the way he looked at her, it was almost as if she _was_ Nadeshiko, his beloved wife.

She wasn't. She wasn't at all her Mother.

And he seemed to realise that, because he would look away quickly and only meet her eyes when it was absolutely necessary. Sakura didn't know why it was a crime to look like one of your parents – it wasn't her fault she favoured her Mother! And then...when she had been ten, she had had a crush on her brother's best friend, Yukito and he had turned her down, saying that she was nothing but a sister to him. Sakura had taken this piece of information as cheerfully as she could, of course. It wasn't Yukito's fault that he didn't feel the same about her as she did about him. He was a kind fellow, he had been very gentle in rejecting her.

If that wasn't enough, it was Aunt Sonomi who seemed to torture her next. Her daughter, Tomoyo, was her best friend and second cousin. Her mother and Aunt Sonomi had been cousins and from what Sakura had heard, both of them had been very close. And her aunt had hated it when her mother had gotten married to a teacher when she had been only sixteen.

No matter how many times Sakura had tried to tell her that it had been true love, she wouldn't hear it. It was always how that 'poor professor' had taken away her 'darling cousin'. And as if it wasn't enough that her father was already hurting her, Aunt Sonomi would sigh and moan how much Sakura was like Nadeshiko. It took all of Sakura's will to not yell that she wasn't her mother, she just looked like her.

Aunt Sonomi wanted her to look like Nadeshiko in all the ways possible. At this, Sakura had strongly objected. She liked her short hair, she didn't want to grow it long like her mother had done. But someone else shared the same burden when it came to this. Tomoyo had been made to grow her hair so that she would have long hair like Nadeshiko; she bore it all patiently though. Sakura wondered how Tomoyo was always able to stay so composed.

Another face flashed in her mind. Li Syaoran. One of Sakura's friends. And recently, she had been unable to understand why her heart acted so strangely whenever she was near him. It didn't make sense. He was just a guy in her class and a very quiet one at that. She couldn't fathom the strange feeling that ran through her body and sent shivers down her spine. She couldn't call that anything but admiration. She truly admired Li Syaoran. He was wonderful at everything he did. It was so unreal.

But Sakura...she was just a stupid naive girl. She loved sports and was such an idiot when it came to academics. She said the wrong things at the wrong time and never knew how to behave herself...because Sakura couldn't act different with some people and different with the others. She couldn't be someone else. She was always who she was wherever she went. Why was that always leading her to trouble?

Sakura bowed her head; she was big coward. She was afraid of the dark and ghosts and just couldn't stand the thunder. All the pretty girls in her school would taunt her and tease her – all because they thought that she was trying to act 'cute'. Sakura didn't know why they couldn't understand that she wasn't pretending at all; not one single bit. Tomoyo was her only comfort. Her dark-haired friend was the only one to realise that Sakura...

...was just a girl who was just a bit too innocent.

Her vision blurred while another set of fresh tears rolled down her smooth cheeks. She balled her hands into fists. She was sixteen and here she was, somehow plucking up the courage to try and see what it was like to jump from a high building.

Really, a few years back, Sakura had been such an energetic girl who was happy wherever she went. What had happened to that bubbly, perky girl now? How had she become such a sad-hearted girl? Sakura knew, knew that even though she was trying hard to prove to people that she couldn't change and never would, she had. She had changed. She had turned lifeless.

And through her tears, she smiled a true smile. She wiped them away and smiled more brightly. "That's it, isn't it?" she whispered. "I'm just unhappy with myself. I'm dissatisfied with myself. I can't believe I've turned into someone else."

She was ashamed. Ashamed with herself for having changed. But now she knew, that she could still be the same Sakura she had been if she tried. And that was enough. Or was it...? In spite of herself, Sakura looked down at the ground far away. Her smile slowly vanished as her mouth set into a worried line. She debated whether to jump or not.

"I want to. I want to know what it feels like." She giggled, a symptom that showed that she might be in hysterics. "That clears it. I'm jumping."

And without a second thought, she let herself fall. If she had been hoping it would end soon and she would meet the ground quickly, she had been wrong – for everything seemed to be moving slowly, not exactly in slow motion, but a bit slow. Sakura let herself fall freely. The wind – that had been calling out to her for so long – caressed her gently as she fell to the ground. For a few seconds, Sakura learned what it was like to be free.

It was bliss. There was nothing to worry about. All she had to do was let herself go...and everything would seem so much better than it had looked a few minutes ago. At first, when she had fallen a couple of feet, it had taken all of her will power to not yell out, to not call out to somebody. The street below her was deserted. But she had shut her eyes tight that she knew not what was below.

She welcomed the experience. It had brought her joy; it had given her the clarity of her mind. It had all in all been wonderful. But she started sweating when she knew that she was going to hit the ground soon. She tried to calm herself, tried to smile, but the blood drained away from her face in anxiety. Would she be very badly hurt? Or would she just die?

She waited, holding on to her dear life. How could she have been so stupid? It was true, she had loved this experience. But now what? She was going to hit the ground and break her bones into a thousand pieces. God, how she wished she had stepped off the parapet and onto the ground now. But Sakura knew she couldn't regret it; wouldn't regret it. It had helped her realise what she was; who she was.

_I just wished I had said goodbye_. She thought randomly. She didn't dare open her eyes. But then, there was a sudden lurch and everything seemed to have grown still. Her eyes were still squeezed shut. What happened? It felt like she was hanging onto something. Should she open her eyes? But what if it was a tree branch she had gotten stuck to?

Cautiously, she opened her eyes. The ground was a mere four feet down. What could have possibly stopped her from falling? And that was when she grew aware of her surroundings. The street was completely deserted and Sakura realised...that she was clinging onto...not something, but someone. Two large arms were wrapped around her securely – one around her waist and the other around her knees. Sakura had bumped her head against what seemed to be a very hard and sculpted...chest? Chest! She turned her face upwards and found herself staring at...

...Li Syaoran.

Oh my God.

"S-Syaoran-kun?" the words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. Oh how she wished she had kept it shut. Syaoran never liked it when people called him by his first name. And Sakura had done just that. She was such an idiot.

Amazingly, he didn't say anything, instead he carried her to the park nearby and set her gently down on the grass. Kneeling next to her, he waited patiently while Sakura collected herself. A thousand questions were buzzing against her ears. How had Syaoran known where to find her? Had he followed her? Why was he looking at her expectantly? Was he waiting for an explanation? Why hadn't he yelled at her for doing such a stupid thing?

She watched him openly, studying his face; he stared right back. He was looking at her with an unusual expression on his face. Sakura had never seen him look like that before. His amber eyes were burning in a strange sort of way, and yet they looked gentle. His mouth was in hard line and his fists were clenched on his knees.

Involuntarily, she sighed and sat herself up. She rested her chin on her knees and refused to look up at him. A whole minute passed before she managed to whisper, "How did you find me?"

He took his own time to reply. Sakura still refused to look at him when she heard his voice. She didn't know whether she was defiant; she didn't care. For the time being, she had completely forgotten her confused feelings for him. She concentrated on what he had to say. "I was observing you the whole day at school today. You didn't seem your...normal self. Once I could have sworn you had muttered, 'I'm going to jump from the top' during chemistry when you had fallen asleep. And during lunch of course, I saw you as you rushed out from the classroom saying you'd be right back to Tomoyo. I followed you out of the school. But I lost you somewhere when you disappeared in a crowd. When I finally found you, you were falling. And well..." he trailed off.

That was the first time he had spoken so much to Sakura. She hugged her knees even tighter and refused to acknowledge the trembling of her lips. He didn't say anything. His voice had been uncommonly gentle while he had explained. Sakura knew it was her turn to speak. But she couldn't...her voice would break for sure...oh why did he of all people find her?

But he was the one to break the silence. He sat down properly on the grass and said, "What happened, Sakura?"

It came as a shock when he spoke her name. In spite of herself, she looked up at him with amazed green eyes. He was looking at her, smiling slightly as though to reassure her, but looking unsure of himself. But it was all she needed...all she needed to just break down and weep. She cried like she had never done before. She cried, letting the tears wash away all her sadness. He embraced her, his arms tightening protectively over her.

When she spoke again, her voice was muffled by his chest. "I-I can't do this anymore, Syaoran-kun. I can't take it anymore. I'm what I am. I can't change! Everyone wants me to be like my Mother. How could they?" here, she let out a sob. She knew her weeping had spoken volumes. She had never talked to Syaoran about this alone. But she knew that he was aware of what she was going through.

He pulled away from the embrace and set his hands on her shoulder. She looked at him through her teary eyes. "You don't have to be like your Mother. You can prove to everybody that you're Sakura – that you're your Mother's daughter. Yes, you do look like her, but that _doesn't_ change who you are, you get me?" he was whispering, but Sakura heard every word of it.

She nodded, trying to smile. She could feel her heart lighten. Just a few words from him and she felt completely fine. What was going on with her? "Thank you, Syaoran-kun."

He went on, as though he hadn't heard her. "That doesn't explain why you jumped off that building. What were you trying to do? Suicide?"

She winced at his harsh words spoken so softly. She knew he wouldn't let her go until she told him everything. He was a stubborn fellow. "I...It wasn't suicide." She looked away. "I was just experimenting."

He raised an eyebrow. She sighed, preparing to elaborate. "I just wanted to know what it feels like, to just let yourself go...to just do things spontaneously. To feel the wind hit you and make you feel like you haven't a care in the whole world." She smiled pleasantly at that still stunning memory. It was blissful. "It wasn't suicide, Syaoran-kun."

He sighed at last, muttering something that Sakura didn't catch. He was distinctly frowning now and Sakura feared it was because of her. She felt her heart sink and with a dull thud it went back to beating at a boring pace. Her mouth opened and—"I-I know I'm stupid..." she let out a hollow laugh. "I know I'm idiotic; I...don't know why I did it. It just happened. And besides, people don't seem to believe me at all. All those wonderful girls in school just think I'm pretending. Is it...is it bad that I'm unable to pretend? Is that why I'm always getting into trouble?" she paused, her lips quivering. "I'm such an idiot. No one would like a girl like me, would they? You shouldn't have saved me, Syaoran-k—"

But before she could even speak his name properly, she was cut off. For a moment, Sakura didn't know what had happened. But then, her eyes grew wide as she realized that there was something on her lips. And that something was Syaoran's lips. He was kissing her! He was gentle, relishing the contact he had with her. But then, when she didn't respond, he broke away, smiling.

Placing a finger on her chin, he turned her face upward so that she would meet his eyes. "Syaoran." He said softly. "Stop calling me Syaoran-kun. And stop thinking so badly about yourself. Sakura, do you even know the effect you have on people?"

His question caught Sakura off-guard; she was still too stunned by the kiss to speak. All she could say was... "Hoe?"

To her utter amazement, he laughed. He threw back his head and laughed. "You really are naive, you know that?" he said, when he could finally speak. "Oh, Sakura..." his eyes grew gentle again as they focused on her wide green eyes. "You were wrong when you said everyone wanted you to change. I don't. I never will." He was speaking quietly again and Sakura was having a hard time registering his words.

"Do you even know how great a gift it is that you can actually show your true self to everyone around you?"

At this, she had to speak. "Gift? Syaoran, people hate me when I'm like that!"

"Then to hell with them!" he said it so fiercely that Sakura flinched. "Sakura if they can't appreciate you the way I do, then they aren't human beings! They can't see what you are!"

"Syaoran...I don't understand..."

"Sakura..." he said, immediately shutting her up. "I've been love with you for years together now."

"Eh?!"

He was smiling again but Sakura was still shell-shocked. Syaoran...loved her? Syaoran – the guy who all the girls adored? No way. She gulped. He was just fooling her. "You don't love me. Y-You can't!"

"And why not?" he asked calmly.

"Because...you're amazing." Sakura could feel tears running down her cheeks again. "Everybody wants you. You're handsome, you're smart, you're perfect at everything you do. Who wouldn't want you? You're every girl's fantasy! Why would you like someone like me?" she was literally crying now. It wasn't fair. Why did she have to realise what she felt for Syaoran? Why did she have to tell him everything she thought about him?

But he hardly took notice of her tears. He took hold of her wrist and pulled her to him so vigorously that Sakura bumped her head against his chest. And she realised that she was trembling. He seemed to realise that too, because he put his arms around her and placed his chin on her head. His hot breath tickled her scalp. "Sakura...you don't understand. Who said anything was wrong with you? You're perfect, you know that?" he was almost pleading now. "Do you know that all those girls you talked about are nothing compared to where I hold you? Sakura, I love you! Don't you see that?"

His words...his wonderful words. Oh why couldn't she believe him? Syaoran held her close, his heart thudding rapidly. He had been in love with her since he had been ten. But he couldn't...he just couldn't bring himself to tell her that, because Syaoran knew that she didn't feel the same way about him. The way she looked at him, was so much different from the way he looked at her. She didn't understand how hard it had been for him to watch her for all these years from a distance. He had wanted to hold her like he did now for such a long time.

And she had just done something so reckless enough that it could have killed her. He would have been nothing without her. He would have rather died than seeing her getting killed. His arms tightened at the thought. "Sakura...I would have died if you had died because of that jump. You don't understand, do you? I've loved you for six years. Isn't that enough?"

She listened to him, appalled. Six years? "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you never saw me the way I saw you!" his voice was full of frustration. She looked at him, trying to penetrate his amber eyes. And for once, she was successful. He broke down under her gaze; he let himself be vulnerable while she saw right through him. He didn't cry; but he showed what he felt... and something flashed in her memory.

How he had once caught her when she had fallen down from a tree when she had been ten; how he had been the only one to stay by her side, other than Tomoyo of course, when she had done horribly in a school play and everyone had blamed her for her poor performance and for the fact that they hadn't gotten a prize; how he had never spoken a word against her in all these years, had never taunted her, never teased her, and...Sakura understood.

She took a deep breath. "Syaoran..." she said softly. She raised a hand and caressed his cheek gently. She placed a kiss on his left cheek. "I'm sorry for being so blind." She planted another kiss on his right cheek. "I'm sorry for never understanding you." She kissed his forehead gently. "I'm sorry for doing that reckless thing." She pressed her lips on top of his gently. "And I'm sorry I never told you that I love you too."

He stared at her in complete surprise for ten seconds. Then, without a warning, he placed his lips on hers and kissed her passionately. And this time, Sakura was prepared. She kissed back with all she had. The kiss was a long one and it promised them so many happy things.

When they finally pulled away, both of them were gasping. But Sakura gave him the happy smile that he loved. And hand in hand, they walked away from the park and away from the building that had once belonged to a man named Clow Reed.

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**There. That's my first one-shot in CCS ever! I hope it wasn't horrible or anything. Looking forward to all of your comments! Thank you!**

**P.S.: Yes, yes. You're quite right. Just click that button right there.**


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